I've been dealing with some issues lately.
Some personal, some financial and some mental.
Mostly, I've been thinking and dreaming a lot about Zach lately. A lot of it has to do with his previous hospital stay and his condition.
I can just be there, lying in bed and my mind starts to wander... It wanders to those 12 horrible days that my baby boy was in the hospital. And I just break down.
I dream about it... I wake up crying. And of course, I check on him. I just have to. Sometimes, if I am really upset, I'll even check his heart beat! In the middle of the night...
The other day, I was laying with Rowan while she got ready for her nap and a picture of Zach came to my head. It was him, in the hospital. All these feelings of hurt, anger, bitterness came to me and I was just crying. Crying in my daughters bed...
I don't know what to do. I guess part of this could all be part of my depression that I fight off day to day... I don't think you are ever 'cured' of depression... I know some people don't believe in it and thats their choice.
But I've dealt with it and I believe in it...
I don't know why I would start to have a problem with the whole "Zach Drama". Its been over two months since we've been home. Everyday I think about it. We've got pictures of him from the hospital on our fridge, just to remidn us, and I guess that probably doesn't help... But its like we NEED to be reminded.
I know this side of the Pickle is probably new to some of you, but hey, I'm being real... That is what my Journal is all about. Jimmy just loves the idea that I'm real, so hey, welcome to it...
Well, I think I've gotten some of my "pickled thoughts" out... I hope I'm not 'weighing' this journal down by doing so... I just needed to get it out...
Goodnight Friends...
~Pickle~
14 comments:
jen,
What you went through was very hard and maybe you need to talk to a counsler to help you deal through the problems...be careful that your not going through some post partum sadness...
it all happened so fast with zach you really didnt have time to grieve the situation...you were strong and focused on zach and not how it was making you feel...you may be just having a delayed reactions to what was...
huggs to you..I understand depression so well ...if you need to talk e-mail me anytime
love and hugs
Donna In TEXAS
http://journals.aol.com/Lacaza3/sweepingthecobwebsofmymind/
I love you Baby,
Enjoy....
http://www.hersheys.com/sundaebest/links.html
I wish I could do more, but I do know that this too shall pass.
*Kiss Kiss* <Hug Hug> *wink*
(((Clicky Click))) !!
Barbie @~>~~~
Maybe you could be suffering from a type of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder? It sounds like some of the symptoms... and you obviously have dealt with alot in such a short period of time....
On the pictures.. well, I see both sides. Life has a way of going on, and it is easy to put thoughts in the back of the mind, so seeing the pictures does make you think how lucky he is to have gotten fast treatment and have a great outcome <knocking on wood>
But, I guess my question is do you think you would forget if the pictures weren't up there? I highly doubt it, so I can see where being reminded may trigger more of a silent panic mode,too, so to speak....
Just my thoughts back, and hey~you're right! This is your place so, write away :)
Take care, Love...
Cat
Im sure those memories will forever be sketched in your mind...And the feeling of probably having to lose a child, and trying to deal with that while he was in there...I could only imagine...
Its wonderful to hear about what is REALLY going on with you in your mind..I mean...what else are we commenters good for if we can't try to help you and give you support during these times?!?!
Depression is SUCH an ugly thing..I've been there myself... Its so hard to just do the basic things when you have all these bad and negative thoughts all the time.... (((HUGS))) I pray you are able to try and talk about this with your hubby... Its always much better to have some support ot get through things like this
That was alot for any one to go through and you had just gave birth.
I am a worrier too..I checked my daughter in the middle of the night too.
I wonder if you could be suffering from post traumatic stress..that was horrible what you and you husband had to deal with..
But you can tell now he is healthy as a horse!! Lol~
Talk to your obgyn//tell her how you are feeling..
Depression comes and goes I have suffered with t on and off for years..
Good luck Pickle it will be all right..try not to worry so much.
You deserve a break..maybe a day shopping with a girlfriend?
HUGS,
Jas
I think it's perfectly normal to have that difficult time in your life come back and "haunt" you.. it was a very stressful time, and it was pretty overwhelming..I know that first hand, I remember when my little man was hospitalized at 6 weeks old. They say that sometimes you get a delayed reaction to a highly stressful event after the threat is over. This might be what is happening with you?? Hugs..
Robyn :)
It's hard to think that you could have lost someone so precious as Zach, and it's ok to feel scared of the past. Trust me, with Dimitri having his breathing problems, I check on him constantly. You went through a lot two months ago and you will never forget it-I'll never forget when you called me either. But, Zach is so much better, and is becoming healthier and healtheir everyday. Soon your fears will sieze, but for now I think it is ok to have the feelings you do-it's very normal. We still have a lot of akward hormones, and new stresses...I totally know how you feel make sure you call next time you feel this way. Ok :)
Babe,
You've been through some major stuff the past few months.
You were scared to death for your little baby boy. IT stands
to reason that you are having some lasting effects from it.
And honey, if you were depressed before...well, you know that
just doesn't go away. Get in touch with your doctor and see
what he/she has to say.
Connie
Sweety, all your feelings are totally NORMAL! You are a Mom, you have a child that was very, very sick, so of course you are still going to have dreams of that time! The panic, the helplessness, they are all feelings that won't fade overnight even though Zach is doing much better now. Whenever you feel that way, just do what you do, go into his room, watch him sleeping and assure yourself that he is fine. That might just be enough to ease the monsters of panic that tend to visit us when we least expect them.
BIG HUGS to you!
Lisa
XOXOXO
girl!!If you need a shoulder to cry on come on down and spill it.You have every right to feel this way!! If you want to vent more or just have a good cry emial me
lakeoliver78@aol
toni
Honey, it's perfectly natural. You are a Mom, and you will always worry. They could be tucked in bed fast asleep, and you will still worry. Just take deep breaths! You got years more of this! Guess that doesn't help but it's the truth!
I'll hear noises in the middle of the night, think one of the kids got snatched out the bedroom window or something, have to get up, check all the rooms, check the doors and window locks...again, and this is more than once a week! Bill he's worse. He checks a few times a night!
I love ya to pieces and I am sorry that you are feeling this way....You are probably suffering from Post truamatic stress disorder and then postpartum on top of that. We dont expect you to always be cheerful, so dont hide your feelings in this journal.
hugs and love,
Kathi
So many times, it's so easy to dismiss these "things" as "hormonal" or whatever. But I think sometimes people's reactions tend to say a lot about who they are, and I think the whole thing caught up to you at this point. You reacted to it in a way I might have thought you would. You cried...probably a little more than you wanted to, but you were dealing with a lot. You had twice the amount of stress you should have had to endure, and it just kind of snuck up on you. but it's obvious that this isn't who you normally are, from everything you've ever written here. So, it's cliché and all, but you have my word, "this too shall pass".
I'm sure it will be a short period of time for you to be sad. Hang in there.
Jimmy
This is totally normal. I would say it's Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. What you went through with Zach was a very traumatic experience. Hang in there Jennifer and, if you need to, don't be afraid to go speak with someone about it. Depression is a serious disease. Just as serious as a heart attack. If left untreated it can lead to really bad things, as I'm sure you already know this. I'm here for you if you need to talk okay?!!
Luv~Heather
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